Today of all fucking days my depression got the best of me. I haven’t self harmed in almost 6 years, and today I broke that streak. I cut myself; my leg. Small cuts, nothing major, just enough to feel again. To remind myself that I’m still here, believe it or not. I couldn’t stop myself, and that voice you hear that tells you to “just do it and it’ll all be better” was so loud. I haven’t been this low in so long. Everything is just caving in and crashing around me and I’m in the middle of all this chaos and disaster…pushing people away, pulling people in, hurting, not dealing well. I try to be so positive and help everyone….but that isn’t working. Not as of now..as of today. And I see myself travelling down this dark, lonely road again after I tried so hard to avoid this place.
Depression has won, once again. And this time I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to stand it.
I’ve self harmed yet again… I did so well abstaining from it and now twice in too short of a time. I can’t stop thinking maybe admitting myself might just be the best thing for me. The best thing for everyone around me. Me being a mess isn’t good for anyone to be around. I just..I hate that I feel this way. Stopping my medication was the dumbest thing I’ve done. I said I wouldn’t because I didn’t want to feel like this again but I did. I, like so many others, assumed I could handle it without any outside help. I couldn’t. I can’t. And now I’m here..all alone.
This flood has damn near ruined everything. It hasn’t even been a full year and a half since the last one took place, and the town was just getting back to normal. Families were just getting ready to continue their lives. Then BAM! This happens. It’s one of the hardest things to witness.. Nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Little to nothing to prepare for it. It just happens. We’re under a state of emergency, again. I doubt we’ll get help like we should, but any help is wanted. I never thought I could dislike something as simple as rain, but when it brings with it horrible floods like this I can’t help but feel negatively towards it. The one upside is that my best friend of 16 years and her son are now staying with me temporarily until her basement is dry enough too live in again. It’s been an amazing couple days having her back in my life like this. She’s definitely my light through this and so many other storms. (both literally and figuratively) The good news through all this is that the rain should be done; it’s just a matter of waiting and cleaning up at this point. None of which is new to us. It’ll be difficult to do, but we’ll get it done as a community.
Today hasn’t started out all that great at all. Headache is still roaring its ugly head from yesterday..he decided to fight with me over last night, and it wasn’t even my fault..it’s raining which had led to a flood watch in town. And I have to work tonight. Four measly, horrible, stressful hours. I should be thankful; I have a job, a home, people who do care about me, a beautiful daughter. I just let my thoughts and depression get to me…hard. Last night I was literally shaking because I was so nervous and scared and anxious. I just wanted sleep. I wanted to be happy. Forget it all. Today is a nasty reminder of it all.
And you know what sucks… I told myself (and you) that I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t care and neither would you. We promised. Now look at us; confused and hurt and scared. All the things I didn’t want, even if it meant also being happy, comfortable, giddy. You’re too good for me…too good to me and I don’t deserve it. I settle for those piece of shit mother fuckers because at least when they leave me I can feel a bit of weight lifted. Losing someone amazing like you will kill me, and I’m not ready for it. I would rather suffer for the rest of my life than know that I hurt you in any way…emotionally, physically, mentally.
I care about you, and I don’t even care about myself.